Our Worst Fears Lie in Anticipation

Ever since I heard this line in an episode of "Mad Men" a few years back, it's bounced around in my head from time to time. It was never as pertinent as it was this past year, when it became more of a mantra. I've spent this last year waiting for this moment....when I can finally step back from everything we've been through and accomplished to take a deep breath and enjoy a fleeting moment of peace.

This time last year....I was overcome with fear and anxiety about things to come. My husband and I were about to spend the next 8 months living in separate states. Along with that came a new batch of fears. How would I handle not having my husband home to balance me out after a stressful day? I am a big scaredy cat and have trouble sleeping when he's away on a trip...how would I fare sleeping by myself every night? Another fear I spent years anticipating was getting off my rheumatoid arthritis medications so we could start a family. While I was fortunate that my flare-ups had been well controlled through medication for years, the memory of being in chronic pain was still fresh. How would I handle it without medication?

While I counted down the days until I finished up dental hygiene school in Denver and could finally join my husband in California, I was consumed by other fears; passing national boards, Colorado clinical boards, California clinical boards, finding boards patients, finding both a boards patient and assistant to fly to California, selling our house in Denver, finding a new house in San Diego, all the while pregnancy hormones were raging. The list seemed daunting and never-ending.

Slowly but surely, these things I spent nights worrying about were crossed off the to-do list. While many were extremely stressful and brought me to the brink of losing my sanity, we finally made it to the other side. While I would not want to repeat the intensity of this past year, it was a good reminder that we are always stronger and more capable of handling adversity than we think.

One year later, Carter, Tally, and I are hanging the final pictures on the walls of our new house. With our first child coming any day, I feel nervous about not knowing what to expect with labor, delivery, and motherhood. Let's face it, childbirth is a little scary. However, I keep reminding myself that our worst fears lie in anticipation, and while it may not be all that great when we're "in it", we always make it to the other side. And it's always worth the struggle we endured to get there.